The Crypto Dating Game

This satirical piece appeared in Linkedin in June, 2021 and received over 15,000 views

Announcer: Hi everyone, welcome to the world’s favorite new game:

[Audience says out loud: “THE CRYPTO DATING GAME!!”]

Announcer: The game where blockchains get to meet their new coins! And here’s our host….Securities and Exchange Commissioner Gary Coinsler!

Coinsler: Hi all of you crypto lovers….welcome to the Crypto Dating Game! The game that has absolutely no rules! We have an all-star blockchain line up and some great coins today, so let’s meet them:

Announcer voice: from everywhere in the world, but who knows where it came from, here is BITCOIN BLOCKCHAIN! (applause)

Coinsler: Bitcoin Blockchain! One of the best known Blockchains. Nice to see you. What brings you on a search for a new coin?

BITCOIN BLOCKCHAIN: Well Gary, I’ve been with Bitcoin since the beginning, way back in 2009. We had a lot of good times and a lot of bad times. We made money and we lost money. And that was all OK. But now, it’s just the same thing over and over, just one coin, either buy or sell. Volume, volume, volume, but never value. And I’m tired of constantly being mined. It uses up all my energy! I need a new coin, something that doesn’t make me feel glamorous one day and cheap the next.

Coinsler: I understand. Let’s see what Blockchain is next:

Announcer: From one of the guys that invented the Bitcoin Blockchain, here is the Ethereum Blockchain.

Coinsler: Welcome! We’re delighted to have a blockchain that does something more than transfer value. Why are you looking for a new coin?

Ethereum Blockchain: I think I was played. They told me that I would be a blockchain that didn’t just transfer value, that I would be involved in actual contracts. That had a lot of appeal….especially when they called them “smart contracts.” But now, no one understands smart contracts, everyone keeps re-writing my code, everyone keeps adding dApps ….it’s just too much change for me to handle. And I’m so lonely….thousands of people going through me each day but I never really meet anyone…..they’re all so…….encrypted! I need some stability. So I need a new coin to call my own.

Coinsler: OK, well good luck today! Who’s our last blockchain today?

Announcer: From New York City, it’s Jaime Diamondmine, the famous banker.

Coinsler: Hi Jaime, I don’t think I know your blockchain.

Jaime: that’s because I haven’t built it yet. But it will be great because I am great. And it will eclipse all the other blockchains. And it will even have it’s own coin which will have my face on it. Which means that I don’t need to be on this show.

Coinsler: Then why are you here?

Jaime: Because I own this show.

Coinsler: Oh. Good reason.

Announcer: OK blockchains, let’s meet today’s Coins!

Coin #1: Hi, I’m Elon Bitcoin. And before we begin, I want to bid 2 trillion bitcoins to buy this show.

Jaime: It’s not for sale, not for a bitcoin!

Coinsler: Um, Elon, this isn’t a show where you buy things. This is to match you up with a blockchain.

Elon: Well, I don’t want any of these blockchains. I hereby announce that I am building my own blockchain. It will be self-propelled and can travel to Mars and back without leaving a carbon footprint.

Ethereum Blockchain: Is that like a smart contract?

Elon: All my contracts are brilliant.

Ethereum Blockchain: Hey I like that Coin!

Coinsler: Well, maybe we have something going here. Let’s meet Coin #2. I see that you are quite impressive in that tuxedo….is that brandy in your snifter?

Coin #2: Yes, I always have a brandy when I’m under the lights. I keep a stock of rare brandiesin my home in the Hamptons.

Coinsler: Wow, you must be a…..

Coin #2: …that’s right. I’m a Stable Coin. You never have to worry about your value with me, I am loaded with collateral.

Coinsler: And I suppose that you publish the details of your collateral so everyone knows that you really are stable.

Coin #2: Well, uh….sort of. I mean, there’s no sense in boring people with details.

Coinsler: Then how do people know you are stable?

Coin #2: I just said it! Isn’t that enough?

Coinsler: Are you audited?

Coin #2: Oh yes, we have lots of audits. We just don’t publish the results.

Ethereum Blockchain: Hey a Stable Coin sounds good to me! It’s the stability I need, even if I can’t prove what it’s worth.

Coinsler: Hmmm. OK, how about our next coin: you are….Ether right? You look pretty glum for a smart coin, Ether. What’s your problem?

Coin #3: No one understands how smart my contracts are.

Coinsler: Why do you say that?

Coin #3: Because Ether is a lot better than Bitcoin. Look….I have a better blockchain, I have more uses and I’m the Coin that’s growing. I can decentralize the world of finance. I’ve got nodes instead of Bitcoin’s crazy miners! But my price is just a fraction of Bitcoin.

Coinsler: So….if everything is going for you, why is your value so low?

Coin #3: To tell you the truth, people know I’ve got a big problem. You see, I’m just full of gas!

Coinsler: Well we kind of sniffed that out. But speaking of unhappy, here’s a Coin that’s sad all the time. Can you tell us about yourself? And how you pronounce your name?

Coin #4: Yeah, I guess so. I started out as Doggie Coin and then someone got fancy and called me Dogecoin but it doesn’t matter. I started out life as a joke….and it’s not even a good joke.

Coinsler: Not feeling valued?

Coin #4: Hey, they can’t even get my name right: for 2 cents I’d cash myself in.

Coinsler: Actually, you’re only worth about 1 cent today.

Coin #4: Thanks for making me feel worse. I’ve got no inherent value. Even GameStop had a few stores!

Coinsler: Sorry about that. Folks, we were going to go a commercial but I see a coin wandering around the studio. Hey Coin, can you tell us who you are?

Coin #5: I can’t. I have no idea. I’m the Jason Bourne of coins….no future, no past. I don’t know what I’m called or when I’ll be issued. I don’t know my value. And whether I will be on a blockchain. But I’m really going to be important….I think.

Coinsler: You don’t seem to know anything. Oh….you must be the FedCoin!

Coin #5: I guess so! Is that my name?

Coinsler: So far, no one knows. Meanwhile, let’s break for a short commercial.

OLD FRAIL WOMAN SITTING IN A DILAPODATED HOUSE, SPEAKING TO CAMERA: “Things were right bad for me an’ pa. After Covid, we didn’t have nothing. And then they were going to foreclose on the old farm. I spent all my time painting pictures of my hands with watercolor waiting for the bank to take the farm. Then, I saw a commercial on TV for “TOKENIZE ME!” I called the number and a nice lady said I could take all my pictures and turn them into what she called Digital Assets. My nephew Luke had a camera and took some pictures. It didn’t take no time at all. And then, the lady changed my pictures into a coin! She called it a Non-Fungus Token or something like that. Anyway, they’re selling that coin all over the world. We ain’t got any money back because they traded my coins for Bitcoin and then someone named Musk said something and the price went down and then we lost the farm. But I’ve still got my pictures!

VOICE OVER: This is only one of our heartwarming stories….remember, if you own it, it can be digitalized and then we can make it into your very own coin! Call 1-800-TOKENIZE today and find your way to being a coin tycoon! [Soft voice quickly spoken: “1-800 TOKENIZE is not registered as anything, anywhere. Remember that digital assets are often not assets and the value of a NFT is much less than the digital asset which is often nothing”].

Coinsler: Hi, we’re back. I just want to comment on that commercial. That NFT token is a security…I think. I mean I’m pretty sure, I used to teach crypto at MIT! Anyway if it looks like a duck…it’s a duck, I mean a security, I think. Anyway, we’re out of time now, see you next time on The Crypto Dating Game! Catch us on #LoveThoseCoins!

IMAG Copyright, 2022